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Act III, Scene i

Achates: Look, Aeneas,  a river.

Aeneas:  So what, Achates?

Achates:  That means flat land and somewhere to get fresh water.  You don’t get it, do you?  We have food, but we are running low on water.

Aeneas:  We will land here.  Men,  Prepare to land.

Ascanius: Dad, are we going to eat soon?

Achates: As soon as we land, Ascanius.

Eurylaus: Oh, how wonderful

Nisus:  Oh, how fantastic!

Eurylaus:  A new land!

Nisus: A swift river!

Eurylaus:  How grand!

Achates:  Ok, everyone off.  Someone grab the food.

            (They set up camp)

Aeneas:  Where are those pitas?

Nisus: They are here.  I have them.

Eurylaus:  They are so delicious!

Achates: If you put your fruit on top of these, it keeps the dirt off them and you can eat the bread as sort of a desert.

Aeneas:  Achates, you have outdone yourself. 

Ascanius:  Look, we are eating our tables.

Aeneas:  what did you just say?

Achates:  He is right!  We are eating our tables!  We are there.  This is the promised land.

Aeneas:  We are home!

Scene ii

Ascanius:  Look, dad, there are people here.

Aeneas: I wonder who they are.

Latinus:  I am Latinus, king of the Latium.  This is my wife, Amata, and my beautiful daughtere, Lavinia.

Lavinia:  Pleased to meet you.

Amata:  Where are you from?  What do you want from us?

Aeneas:  I am a Trojan.  We lost everything we had in a war.  We escaped with our lives, and that is about it.  This is my number two, Achates.

Achates:  Nice to meet you all!

Aeneas:  And my son, Ascanius, but you can call him Julus.

Ascanius:  Hi!

Aeneas:  And these are my - well - they - I don’t know what they do.

Eurylaus: Eurylaus.

Nisus: And I Nisus.

Eurylaus:  So nice to meet you.

Nisus: very nice, indeed.

Amata:  What do you want with us?

Aeneas:  This young lady looks rather appealing.

Latinus:  You’ve got your eyes on my pride and joy.  Did I hear you say that you were from Troy?

Aeneas: Indeed.  My father was the brave Anchises, and my mother - the goddess of love-

Latinus:  You mean...

Aeneas:  none other than...

(at the same time)

Latinus:Venus!

Aeneas: Aphrodite!

Achates:  They are the same, you fools!

Eurylaus:  They are!

Nisus:  They certainly are!

Latinus: How would you like to take my daughter’s hand in marriage?

Amata:  Latinus, dear, you can’t do that.

Latinus: And why not?

Amata:  You have already promised Lavinia to Turnus, the king of the Rutulians.

Latinus:  But, dear, this is Aeneas.  He is a Trojan hero.  Look at him.

Amata:  He looks like a loser to me.  He is from far over the sea.  Who knows where he has been and Turnus is one of your dearest neighbors.  We have known him forever.

Latinus: Yes, but I never really liked him.  That boy is not right in the head.

Amata:  I don’t think that he is going to like this.

Latinus:  You know what?  I am sick and tired of you telling me what to do.  I am king around here.  Not you!  ME!  I will decide and that is the end of this discussion.

Amata:  We shall see.

Achates:  Look what you’ve done now.

Aeneas: I don’t mean to cause a family dispute.  It is just that well, I supposed to be here, you know?

Latinus:  And you are welcome to stay.

Amata:  Hmmmph!

Ascanius:  And so I said “we are eating our tables!”

Lavinia:  That is a great story.  HA! Dad, can we keep him?

Amata:  That is it!  I am going to Turnus this instant!

Latinus:  Please.  By all means.  Let me help you pack!

Achates:  Aeneas, can I talk to you for a second?

Aeneas: Sure, what is it?

Achates:  Do you realize what you are starting?

Aeneas: Achates, brave friend, think about this.  If I marry this girl, we have a place to stay. No more sleeping on that ship or on beaches.  No more sailing.

Achates:  Yeah, but....

Aeneas:  And look at the wealth and riches.  The land is untamed.  I would be heir to all of this.  We could do so much.

Achates: Yeah, but....

Aeneas:  Listen, man, I was fated to be here.  I mean, my dad, Aphrodite, that crazy quacking chicken, the sibyl, Helenus, everyone.  This is it, baby.  I can’t lose!  TO LATINUS:  I accept your offer.  It would be an honor.

Scene iii

Turnus: So, my evil friends, can someone explain to me why these steps are not clean.

Man I:  Well, Turnus, sir, I was getting around to taking care of that, sir, but then there was a fire in the kitchen which, sir, required my immediate attention.

Turnus:  So these steps were your responsibility?

Man I: Yes, but ....

Turnus:  Then, die, filth monger!

Man I: Ahhhhh!

Amata:  Turnus, I have bad news for you.

Turnus:  Oh,  really.  What is it?

Amata:  This Trojan named Aeneas has come to take Lavinia from you.

Turnus: Aeneas, eh?  I hope that he proves to be a worthy adversary.  I so much like a good fight.

Amata:  Right now, he and his men are unprepared.  You could attack and catch him off guard.

Turnus:  Get me Mezentius.  I have something to discuss with him

Man II:  Right away, sir.

Turnus:  and get someone to clean these steps and this body! So, tell me more.

Amata:  Latinus welcomed him in and offered him Lavinia’s hand.

Turnus:  Just like that?

Amata: Yes.

Turnus:  He just couldn’t bear to tell me himself.  What a coward.  He shall prove no match for my superior intellect.

Man II: Oh illustrious and powerful king Turnus, lord and master of the Rutulians, lifetime member of Mensa, and thinker of evil thoughts, I present King Mezentius and his son, Lausus and Camilla the famous Italian Warrioress.

Turnus:  Do you have to say all of that? Nevermind.  Mezentius and Camilla ,we have some important matters to discuss. 

Mezentius:  Discuss them, o evil one!  ( evil laugh)

Turnus:  It seems that we have a problem with the Latins and King Latinus.

Mezentius:   A problem (evil laugh)

Camilla:  Leave it to a man to cause problems between neighbors.  Women are much more peaceable.  We express our feelings.  And then we get over it.   You men always want to solve everything with violence.

Turnus: Aeneas, a “Trojan hero”, has arrived and he plans on taking Lavinia from me.

Mezentius:  Taking Lavinia (evil laugh)

Turnus:  Will you stop that?

Camilla:  A Trojan Man! How appropriate.  Men will cause the downfall of mankind.

Mezentius: Sorry, sir.

Lausus:  Hey, I could just hurry down there and kill him right now.  That would be the end of ...

Turnus:  Sh!

Lausus:  I could grab my sword and...

Turnus: Sh!

Lausus:  but..

Turnus: Sh!

Lausus:  It would...

Turnus: Sh!

Lausus:  Why?

Turnus: Sh!

Lausus: my swords

Turnus: Sh!

Lausus: but

Turnus: knock knock!

Lausus:  Who’s there?

Turnus:  Sh!

Lausus:  Why?

Turnus: Sh!

Camilla:  can we get on with this? I want to  kill some men!

Scene iv

Evander:  I wish I could help you, but I am about to retire.  I can’t keep getting injuries like this (points to ear)

Aeneas:  I see.  That’s a good sized chunk.

Evander:  I thought he bit the whole thing off.

Aeneas:  Ouch!

Evander: Anyway, the real deal is this.  Even though I am a Greek, I was friends with Priam, Troy’s king.  I shall help you consolidate the title since he was my friend.  I will provide you the assistance of my son Pallas.

Pallas:  Hey, dude!

Aeneas: Hey, Pallas!

Pallas:  Did you see Titanic?

Aeneas:  Yeah, it was awesome.

Pallas: It had the coolest special effects..  The ship was like 9/10 size.

Aeneas: I know. It is the most expensive movie ever made.

Evander:  You two, get out of here.  Go fight.  and no biting!

Eurylaus:  We must find Aeneas and tell him of this horrid event.

Nisus: We simply must! It is imperative!

Eurylaus:  Absolutely!

Nisus:  Let’s go find him.

( Eurylaus is captured by the Rutulians, and they tickle him)

Eurlyaus: You must asolutely stop!

Nisus:  Oh, my!  Eurylaus is being killed .  I must save him.  Oh no,  please stop.  that tickles.  Hehehe

 Scene v

Aeneas:  Men, we are in deep.  We must come up with a plan. 

Pallas:  I have got one!

Achates: Would you mind sharing it with us?

Pallas:  Why don’t we just go down there and kill them all.

Aeneas:  Sounds good to me!

Achates:  Watch out! Here comes Turnus!

( They fight for a moment and Turnus runs away)

Turnus:  I will be back, you slimy Trojan!

Aeneas:  and we will be waiting!

(Lausus and Pallas get involved in a duel)

Pallas:  That is it.  Let’s rock and roll, Little wormy Lausus!

Lausus:  You are no match for me, you Arcadian.  You want me to bite your ear off?

Pallas:  That is it! Prepare to die!

Turnus:  No, Pallas, it is your time to die!

(Turnus kills Pallas and takes his belt)

Aeneas:  NO!!!!!  I will avenge your death!  What does avenge mean, anyway?

(opposite)

Hera:  Turnus, you must run for your life.  Escape for you have angered Aeneas.

Turnus:  Which way, Hera?

Aeneas comes running over. 

Aeneas:  Where did he go?

Hera:  He went that way.

Aeneas:  Thanks.

 Achates: Aeneas, help!  Mezentius is attacking us!

Aeneas:  Have no fear, Aeneas is here.

Mezentius:  Prepare to die, you lowly Trojan! (Evil laughter)  Ouch, that hurt!  Oh, that is gonna leave a mark (evil laugh). 

Lausus:  You leave my father alone.  You wimp.  You are lucky I don’t come down there and .....

Aeneas: (beginning to boil)  And what ,you little Etruscan follower?

Lausus:  I will show you.

(They battle, Aeneas strikes the final blow)

Lausus:  AAAAAAAHHHHHH.  aaahhh.   ah.   ooooohhh.  ooohhh.  oh.  Doh!  He bested me.  Rats!

Aeneas:  Another one down.  Who’s next?

Mezentius:  Did you just kill my son?  (evil choking laugh)

Aeneas:  I did.  Are you next?

Mezentius:  Then you shall pay (laugh) with your life (laugh)

Aeneas:  Remember, I am destined to win.  You really have no chance.

Achates and Trojans:  Go, Aeneas (and other cheers)

Mezentius:  You may have bested me, but please promise me that you will give me and my son decent burials.  You must promise.

Aeneas:  So it shall be. 

Scene v

Achates:  Aeneas, this has gone on too long.  There must be some other solution.

Aeneas: There is.  Here she comes now.

Messenger: Aeneas, Trojan hero, Turnus has extended to you the offer of a duel to settle the battle once and for all.

Achates: How did he know?

Aeneas:  It was all part of fate.  It has to happen like this. I accept. Men, there is no reason that we should all continue to fight this way.  I shall fight Turnus alone.

Men:  Yeah!

Aeneas:  Tarchon, take some men with you to watch from the fields in case of a surprise attack.

Tarchon: right away, sir.

Achates:  Well, it took long enough for him to take control.

Tarchon and Camilla run into each other. 

Camilla: watch where you are going, you foolish man.

Tarchon:  Are you talking to me?

Camilla: Indeed.  You are the only man around here.

Tarchon:  Are you trying to rile me up, because it is working.

Camilla: Men are good for nothing.  They cause war and death and destruction.  Women are nurturing and caring and compassionate: (Tarchon kills her) See.  What did I tell you? Men just bring death.

Tarchon: Oh, give it a rest, will you?

Turnus: The “husband” of Lavinia will be decided by the outcome of our duel.  Fair?

Aeneas: Fair?  Let’s go.

(The battle rages, back and forth.  Just when it looks as though Turnus is going to win, the Trojans yell:  Go Turnus.  Aeneas looks around angrily)

Aeneas:  That is it, old man.  I have you now.

Turnus:  Please, brave Aeneas, spare me my life.  I give in.  You may take Lavinia as your wife.  Just let me go.

Aeneas:  Well.  Ok.  Wait.  What is this?  The belt of brave Pallas. It was you!  NOOOO!  You are not going anywhere. Die!  Die!! Die!!

Turnus falls to the ground. 

Latinus:  Aeneas, you have won the hand of my daughter.  Congratulations. 

Aeneas:  I knew I would.  Something or someone just had me convinced.  Fate is pretty powerful. 

Ascanius: I know, I will found a city not far from here and sooner or later the people will call themselves Romans and take over the whole world and their influence will be so great that 2000 years later, people will still study about them.