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Act I, scene I

Priam:  Ok, I am the king here.  What did you say you foolish little Greek skunk?

Sinon: Oh mighty Priam, I am Sinon.  The Greek meanies left me here with this horse.  We built it to appease Athena for the theft of the Palladium.

Priam: but why would we take a horse that size in the city.  It won’t fit through the gates.

Sinon:  The horse is the only way we could make Athena happy so she would let us go home.  It is take the place of the Palladium.

Priam: I…don’t ….know.

Aeneas(examining the horse): Wow.  look at the work that went into this.  Amazing.  Look at the size of it. It is….what is that word?

Anchises: Huge?

Aeneas: No, it is so ….

Anchises: large?

Aeneas: Nope., It is so…..

Anchises: IMMENSE? GIGANTIC?  ENORMOUS?

Aeneas: No. It is so big.  That’s the word. Big.

Anchises: Son, we need to work on vocabulary again.

Sinon:  What a strange little man Aeneas is.  Obviously he did not get his brain from his father, Anchises.

Priam:  We should make some decision on this.  Should we leave it out here or bring it into the city?  Rev Laocoön,  what do you think we should do?

Laocoön:  (Throws spear into side.  Resulting in obvious human grunting)  Did you just hear that?  No, this is bad.  very very bad.

Sinon:  King Priam, look at the amount of work it took to build this.  Look at the detail.  Sir, I implore you.  This is a horse fit for a goddess.

Priam.  It is beautiful.

Laocoon: Whatever it is, I fear the Greeks, and this Sinon geek, even bearing gifts.

Crowd:  Bring in the horse.  Bring in the horse.  Don’t leave it out here.  We don’t want to die like he just did.

The Greeks sneak out of the horse and slay the citizens who are sleeping after their big victory celebration. Aeneas stirs and sees Pyrrhus charging at Priam

  Scene ii

Aeneas:  Oh no, it is Neopt…., Neopt…., Neopt…., Pyhrrus!  Stay away from my ancient king.

Pyrrhus:  Priam, prepare for your death. Sustecal won’t save you now.  There is no way to ENSURE your safety now.  You won’t be needing Metamucil, either.  I am going to fix your plumbing with this tool.  HA! Maybe you can beg for your own body to be properly buried. HA!

Priam:  Need crowbar.  Where is that crowbar?  Are you talking to me young man? You kinda look like Akhailles, no that guy is….

Pyrrhus:  My father was Achilles!!!!!

Priam: Maybe

Pyrrhus: Ok, now you’ve asked for it.  DIE!!!

Priam:  What? Did you say something?  Pie!  Oh I just love pie.  Apple cinnamon.  Oh, die.  OK (he dies)

Aeneas: You Greek meanie!  NOOOO!!!  (Helen enters)  You, Helen, the scourge of my people.  You deserve death! it is your fault.  Do you have any last wishes?

Helen:  Just one.  Kiss me and you will relent.

(Aeneas gets more angry and grunts, Aprhodite rushes on)

Aphrodite: Son, stop.  Go look after your wife, child and father, old Anchises, back at home.  The goddess of love commands you.  Move. Now!

Aeneas:  Back to the house.  Wait a second.  I can handle every last one of those Greeks.   I could kill all the Danaans.  Oh, umm hi, Dad.

Anchises: Son, Go get Creusa and Ascanius.  Let’s get out of here.  The city is burning.

Creusa: Hi Aeneas.  We need to make our escape now.  It is time to go.

Aeneas.  where is our son?

Creusa: Iulus is packing

Aeneas: Ascanius is packing

Creusa: No, Iulus is

Anchises:  They are the same, doggone it!  We have got to go. Boy, get in here.  We are leaving now!

Iulus:  I am coming Pops

Anchises:  Aeneas, you are gonna have to carry me.  My arthritis is acting up.

Aeneas: No problem, dad.  Just hop on my back.  Ascanius, take my hand.  Creusa, follow behind and make sure that we don’t drop something.

Creusa: Just leave it to me.  Of course - I always have to follow.  Never mind about women and children first.  Who cares what happens to me?  I don’t even matter to you.  You could care less if I died.

Aeneas:  Creusa - we must escape now.  No more whining.  You just need to keep up. I mean, I am holding an old man and a child here and you’re complaining about having to keep up.  And for the matter of not caring, I would be devastated if I lost you.  Let’s just go, ok?

 (Creusa falls and sprains her ankle.  She gets killed and dragged off stage.  Aeneas is oblivious. And keeps going)

Aeneas: Do you hear me, woman?  Where did she go?  You two stay here; I must find Creusa.

Anchises:  Ascanius, what do you have in your bag?

Ascan:  I have two changes of underwear, a clean toga, and a towel.  You should always have a towel with you when you travel.  It can be used for so many things.  It can be a pillow, a blanket, a towel.  Well, it can do somethings,

Aeneas:  Well, dad, Ascanius, Creusa is no more.  She is dead.  (Light sobs.)

Creusa’sghost:  Aeneas, go quickly.  Don’t look back.  You are destined for great things.  Remember, Creusa loves you!

Scene iii

Eurylaus and Nisus: Aeneas, over here.  We have been waiting for you.  This way. It is us, Nisus and Eurylaus.

Aeneas:  Well, nice to see you two boys. How are you?

Beroe: He let that child out of the house without a jacket on.  What is this world coming to, Pyrgo?

Pyrgo:  Beroe, all I know is that our city is burning.  We must escape these horrid Greeks.

Aeneas:  Guys, I am not really good at making decisions, so I need your help.  Who wants to sail away and find some other place to settle?  Who wants to stay here and rebuild?  Who wants to become a fireman?  Who wants to become a Latin teacher?

Anchises:  Boy, listen to me.  Sail the ship.  That is all I’m gonna say.  Haul me on board and let’s get out of here.

Aeneas:  Well,...ok

Achates:  Allow me to assist you, sir.  My name is Achates.

Aeneas : (startled) You? Well, sure, why not?

Achates:  Me.  Load and board this ship. NOW!  Move it! Move IT! MOVE IT!!!

Anchises:  Who is that?

Aeneas:  He says his name is Achates.  He seems to be a real go-getter.  I like his style.

Achates:  Aeneas, sir, the ships are prepared.  We are ready to abide by your command and set sail.

Scene iv

Achates:  Men, we are running low on supplies.  We have stopped on this island here because we need to acquire rations.

Aeneas:  So what we are saying is that we need to find something to eat.

Eurylaus and Nisus:  yippee, a new land in which to explore and play!  Let’s go see it!

Aeneas: How long do you think it will take them to explore?

Achates:  this is a play.  It better not take too long or the dialogue kind of gets boring while we talk and wait.

Aeneas: Could we just not say anything?

Achates: That might look a little awkward.

(They wait)

Eurylaus:  We got food.  Did somebody say McDonald’s (tm).  We got burgers and fries.

Nisus: And these great chocolate milkshakes.

Celaeno:  Quack, you stupid Trojans.  Do you QUACK know where you are? I am QUACK Celaeno, one of the feared QUACK Harpies.  We too are QUACK hungry.  You are too near QUACK Sparta, and for that QUACK you will pay!

Eurylaus:  Should we feed the talking goose?

Celaeno:  TALKING GOOSE! QUAAAAAACK!  Are you blind?  A goose that goes QUAAACK!

Nisus: Eurylaus, you’ve got this all wrong.  That is a chicken.  And they just eat corn.  Maybe they like French fries?

Pyrgo:  My uncle used to hunt birds and then wrap them in bacon and barbecue them, mmmmm. Good. 

Celaeno:  Are you out of your minds QUACK!?  I am a Harpy and I intend to steal your food. QUACK!

Nisus:  Great Flying CHICKEN WOMAN, leave us alone and go away. 

Eurylaus:  Oh yes, leave us be. 

(Nisus knocks her from the sky.)

Celaeno:  Trojans, QUACK, hear me now.  Because of this outrage, QUACK, you will never reach your new land until you have eaten your own tables. QUACK

Aeneas: What?

Ascanius: She said we won’t reach our new home until we eat our tables.

Aeneas:  What does that mean?

Anchises:  Well, we are gonna have to eat our tables, and when we do, we will be home.

Aeneas: Oh,

Achates:  Palinurus, are you ready?

Palinurus: Yep, with Palinurus at the helm you don’t have to worry about being steered wrong.  Get it? Hah.  I won’t steer you wrong!

Aeneas:  Who is that?  It looks like Andromache and Helenus.  Hey yall.  What is up?

Helenus:  I knew you were coming.

Achates:  It is Helenus, the son of Priam, and his new wife, Andromache. Duh.

Andromache:  I am so happy to see some fellow Teucrians.  I just barely escaped the cruel wrath of that foul Neopt......Neopt..... Neopt ......Pyrrhus.

Helenus:  Beware the ONE-EYE.  Sail west towards Hesperia.  That is the Psychic Friends Network of saying sail to Italy.  We are leaving you.  Bye now.

Aeneas: That guy is weird.  What are Pscho Friends?

Achates:  I think that is called foreshadowing.

Anchises: .....and so they have one eye right in the middle of their gigantic heads.

Ascanius: Cool, Pops.  Tell me more.

Scene v

Achaemenides:  Hey, Trojans, over here.  Help!

Palinurus:  Do you want me to steer us that way?

Achates: Let’s go see what this guy wants.

Eurylaus and Nisus:  Look at those tattered clothes.  He is so dirty.  Oh, gross.

Achaemenides: Out, out!  Don’t get off your ship.  There are huge, mean, ugly one-eyed monsters who live here.  Odysseus left me.  He was in such a rush, he just forgot to see if I was with him.  You must help me to escape.

Polyphemus:  Fee Fi Fo Fum:  I smell the blood of a great many seafaring people.  I haven’t had a taste of human flesh since that cursed Nobody was here. 

Aeneas:  We made it back to the ship just in time.  Thanks Achaemenides.

Achaemenides: we are not safe yet.  Even though he is blind from the trick of my old king, He can still hurl projectiles quite a distance.

Aeneas and others: What?

Achaemenides.  He can throw rocks a long way.  Now start rowing and let’s get out of here!!!

Nisus: Oh my, he is throwing rocks at our vessel

Beroe:  Look out!

Pyrgo:  Row faster!

Anchises:  That stone is coming right at us.  Move Eurylaus. Nooooo.  Aeneas.  I am dying.  Knowledge. ... .not the sword.

Aeneas:  Father, you are my inspiration.  What will I do without you?  I can not go on without both you and Creusa.

Achates: Look at your son, Aeneas.  Observe all these people.  They are depending on you.

Aeneas:  You are right, brave Achates.  It still hurts though.